Earlier today I finished teaching the first class of the third year nursing college English class. The other ALT (assistant Language Teacher) has been sick, so I prepared it alone, although he did pull himself from his sick-bed to attend the class, if mainly for moral support. (Since he'd been sick and hadn't been involved in any of the plans (or I hadn't made plans including him, because he probably wouldn't be there).) Anyway, that class went well and maybe I'll tell you about it some other time. But right now I want to focus on events following the class.
I should go back to last week, when I was informed about 20 minutes beforehand, about a ceremony for teachers leaving schools in the Furano school district. You see, in Japan teachers rotate to different schools after a certain number of years at one school. They have no choice in this, although it is usually catered to being near enough to their family that they can have a practical commute. Sometimes, however it causes entire families to be moved across the prefecture. In any case, I could tell you some interesting and possibly horrifying tales about the transfers made in the Furano school district, but I will try to save that tangent for another post.
So I was told about this entering teacher event right beforehand, and thus, was dressed informally, although no one even mentioned a dress code at that time. (But had I known in advance I would have suspected it. Like a spider-sense or those psychics who just know not to go into the dark room with the ancient runes that mean 'cursed', and I would have dressed up, or asked if I should dress up.) Well, as it turned out, I was the only person there without a suit. The one slob in the corner, the foreigner who doesn't care about the traditions of personal appearance and conformity that Japan holds dear. But I had no choice. The entire process involved sitting and listening, bowing at the right times, sometimes replying to a "Konnichiwa" with the same phrase, and standing and sitting at the appropriate times. Nothing too difficult, even if I was the nail waiting to be hammered down. I guess I can classify that as internationalization. However, if I do that then I might be setting a bad example for the rest of the English speaking foreigners in the world. But it really can't be helped. When I tell 'normals' about this sort of thing they always say something to the effect that I should ask them about upcoming events and prepare accordingly. When I say 'normals', I am referring to those people who are not currently aliens in this foreign country. People who think the solution is that simple. Those of us here would never reply with such an answer. Such an answer would likely evoke laughter if not reproach. The thing is that I/we/those of us here usually are asking on a constant basis, and yet, we are told nothing! "Is anything going on tomorrow?" "No, nothing special." --NEXT DAY-- "Good morning!" "Oh, please give a speech/attend this event/judge this contest today." And asking every five minutes tends to upset them. They get offended that you've spoiled their game and they can't keep things from you anymore.
Really, I've considered the possibility. Maybe they do it on purpose, it is their little game that they all talk about in the smoking room. They place wagers on our reactions and try to come up with the most surprising and immediate thing that we are the least prepared for and spring it on us.
Case in point: Well, after that event I asked about future events. No, none, of course not. That was the middle of last week. Today is Tuesday. Seems like anything occurring today would have been mentioned. Especially since there was actually mention of an event this Friday which is not to do with the Board of Education, but with the nursing college, and which requires formal dress. As I mentioned, I taught at the nursing college today. The class is 30 students who are about my age with not-so-great English skills and it lasts for 3 hours. I spent a lot of time preparing for it last week. So when I finished the class and stopped at home for lunch I was expecting that I could eat it in piece and then return to work for a relaxing finish to the day. School is out, so we just stay at the Board of Education and study Japanese or check e-mail or something... unless some secret event materializes. The other ALT has been sick --- is still sick --- and just came to class to be there if I needed help, so he is going to return home and be sick as is his unfortunate state. So he calls our boss and tells him this, as well as that we just got out so I wouldn't be back till I had eaten lunch. My boss (real nice guy, which makes it impossible to refuse and ask him why the heck he hasn't mentioned this earlier) tells him that today is the ceremony for the teachers entering schools in the Furano school district. Sound familiar? It's the same as the one last week except it's for the new teachers, many of whom are the same people from the last ceremony who just switched to another school in the same district. The contents of the ceremony are also about identical. The seating arrangement is even the same. And, guess what?!? He asked Bob(other ALT, not his real name) to tell me to make sure I could come back in time to attend. He also said to dress a bit nice. Now, I got that second-hand from Bob, but I can be pretty sure what my boss said, however there is a variance between what he says and what he means. No, scratch that. He means what he says, but the variance lies between what he says and what the truth, or what I should actually do, is. I decide to play it safe. I eat a real quick (and small) lunch and dress up in a suit and tie. I figure that this thing sounds similar to the thing from last week, so I'd better be prepared as such. Now, my boss' meaning was a shirt with a collar, and maybe a tie if I could manage it, but I want to be prepared. I don't remember ever being a boyscout, but that is a universal motto that should be included in the ALT manual. (It probably is, but I mean it should be given it's own page and printed in big bold letters with a note after it that says, "No, I mean seriously! Never let your guard down. They are just waiting for you to!")
Good play Sven, you sure called that one! I arrive as quick as I can and everyone is surprised to see me in a suit. Oh, you look so nice, how did you know to where a suit? We certainly didn't tell you! (Someone must've lost a bet there.) But, after being told how dashing and dapper I look by those in the office --- and also that the pin on my suit looks like a special Yakuza (Japanese Mafia) pin and that that is good, for some reason --- I go down to the second floor for the actual ceremony. ...this isn't going to be so bad. Just another long boring ceremony like last time. I just have to watch the times to bow and stand and sit, etc, and I will be okay. Ah, how naive we all appear in hindsight.
As I am entering and one of the guys is like, "Oh, Sven, you have to make a speech." Ha ha ha... You'd better be kidding me... I laugh, he does too, it's a funny joke, there's not really a speech. And all in Japanese... hahah... with no prep time... haha.. ha... ha.. ?!? Yes, he was joking, but the joke was that he said I have to give a big speech, but the truth is I have to give a small speech, not a full long one like the superintendent!! (Yes, I must speak all in Japanese, of course) SO... I am sitting very proper and bowing and nodding, standing and sitting when everyone else does. When, about half-way through the ceremony, as I have just gotten something to say lined up and proofread in my head, my boss (who is sitting next to me) leans over. He writes on his sheet of paper and shows it to me: "Please mention about 'Bob' in your speech." ?!? What does that mean? How much am I speaking? I don't even know when I will speak or for how long. I thought this was going to be quick!!! Obviously, I can't ask him what he means because we're in the middle of the ceremony. I get about 10 minutes of time and demolish the aforementioned priorly thought-up speech. Then I use whatever I can fathom that he might want me to say about the other ALT --- that he exists, that he isn't here today, that he's sick, that he has an older sister and comes from Australia and likes to eat sweets... --- as I've just gotten this second composition together in my mind, he changes the writing to, "Please tell about 'Bob'," as if this greatly clarifies his meaning. Yeah, thanks, I got that part, I was wondering if you wanted me to tell them about the state of the war in Iraq and the price of tea in China while I'm at it. so.............. I got it together, short and sweet, and to the point. "I'm the Furano city ALT, Sven Nelson. There is another ALT named Bob but he is not here today because he is ill. I look forward to working with you all..." Or something similar to that, in Japanese, of course. Best I could come up with on the spot in Japanese. Everyone had a good chuckle at my quick explanation that there also happened to exist another ALT named Bob Smith who was currently not here because he is sick. (Which seemed like a strange and out of place thing to say, which is probably why my boss made me say it, rather than saying it himself!!) But that's okay. That's what I'm here for. And at least this time I saw the same people again in almost the same situation, but showed them that I am capable of dressing nicely and also of saying that "My name is Sven" in Japanese. (Anyone who doesn't speak to you everyday in Japanese automatically assumes that you can't speak a word of it. Even those who you've talked to before often forget this and are thouroughly amazed when you introduce yourself/order food/ask where the toilet is, in Japanese.) Now the only thing I need to do is figure out how to anonymously get in on the betting so that maybe I could make out off of my failings as well as everyone else. Or maybe I would try and give myself support by betting in my favor. ...yeah, sure.
Oh, I thought I'd just mention that, of course, there is no real betting on, or purposeful misleading, going on with me or any other ALTs and their contracting organizations to the purpose of making us look stupid or creating another laugh about what the foreigner did. These are all just common mistakes of life that could be avoided by simply communicating with your friendly and helpful Japanese advisor. Certainly nothing to take seriously... And that is Sven's official stand on the matter, should anyone important who might suspect I know the truth happen to ask.
***shhh! If they find out I know I'll never anonymously get in on the betting. ***
